A Perfect Imperfection

Day 4 - May 27 

"That's nature! Nature is supposed to be imperfect!" That was Jym repeating what I have been telling him as he tried unsuccessfully to perfectly level one tile to the other.   This has been an ongoing discussion for us over the last few weeks and came to a head earlier in the week when I thought for sure Jym was about to tear up all 15 of the tiles we originally laid.  He insisted they were not aligned right.  I thought they looked fine but he was insistant that they were not to the point of absolute insistency.  I really feared leaving him alone with the floor to contemplate his perceived errors.  I sat him down and explained that these tiles are natural stone and that they are not perfect.  But that is what makes them beautiful.  I did not want a factory stone.  I knew that the cuts would be rough and the edges would be cracked and ratty.  I knew that there would be areas where we would have to fill in more grout to make up the difference.  I knew that these stones would not fit perfectly side by side.  That is the beauty of it.  As I was sitting there giving him this pep talk I started to contemplate my life and had a huge epiphany. 

My entire life I have sought out perfection.  Anything less has always been unacceptable in my eyes.  I would nit pick every possible failing in any and every otherwise acceptable instance. I think our society demands perfection.  It is evident in how we strive for perfect bodies and perfect homes.  It is why plastic surgery is at an all time high and why people "keep up with the Jones'" Its this need for everything to appear perfect. When in fact nothing in nature has ever been intended to be perfect. But it is because of the perceived goal of perfection people are willing to do anything to attain it or shall I say society's view of what defines perfection.  It is that mentality that created "fake" travertine and slate.  It is the printed factory perfect pieces that we create to strip away the pesky imperfections of natural stone but to attempt the "look" of it.  But ironically in our pursuit of that perfection we realize that we are actually finding beauty in the imperfect which is why we are seeking to recreate it, but at the same time pushing our constant drive to improve upon what we deem as imperfect.  

As far as my life is concerned I have allowed my need for perfection to haze everything that is good in my life behind a vale. A rigid need for perfection creates a perception of failure when in fact it might not be failure at all.  It is, in a round about way why we are fearing the failure of this project.  Because we might create something that is imperfect and we will be responsible somehow for that.  

But looking at these individual tiles the way I have had to over the last few weeks I see an absolute beauty, a perfect imperfection in every one of them.  Some are fat and some are thin.  Some are dark and some light.  Some are cut with a slightly crooked edge, ironically by a man made tool attempting to form its natural state into the confines of our man made shapes.  But each tile is unique.  There is no other like it on all of the earth.  Each one created from a unique set of pressures and exposures to mold it inside and out.  Nature does not require perfection.  It does even hope for it.  It hopes and strives instead for individuality and uniqueness in all it creates.  And we, as human beings, somewhere underneath all that society preaches, are in a constant struggle against what is natural for us and what is and should ACTUALLY be the standard of real beauty.  It is why we secretly feel warmth and comfort when we look at stone.  It is of the earth and of all of us and it is, in its rawest form, what we should all strive toward.  To be nothing but what we were created for.  To inspire and leave speechless anyone who dares gaze upon us. To be strong and enduring, but at the same time to be malleable enough to be molded and shaped by the forces around us.  To allow ourselves to never fit perfectly into a hole created for us by society, but to stand out as unique pieces of art even side by side with another unique piece of art.  To allow our darkness to enhance and trace a fine accentuating glow about our lightness.  To bring hardness and softness to the world simultaneously. 

When I look at my floor I want to always be reminded that I am a human stone and my imperfection is every bit all of the perfection I should ever strive for.   

Oh sorry.  I am sure you expected a progress report.  Personally my individual growth is actually quite a lot of progress right now so I felt I should share that as well.  But as far as the floor itself we managed to get done the rest of the great room minus the cut pieces as we still do not have a saw.  We considered going to get one but were too exhausted and it was too late by the time we got cleaned up. So that will be Jym's job next week.

We have used I think almost 3 bags of mortar and completed close to 200 square feet so we are well on track I think with our mortar use.  We are still getting batches that are too thin and we always have to add mortar and remix.  I think we now know how it should feel.  At least I hope so.  I suppose we will know how we are doing once it all dries.   

Our clothing is a mess as are our hands and bodies.  This is not easy work.  It is back breaking hard labor.  I do not know how people do this professionally every day.  I think I should be wearing gloves maybe to save my hands a bit.  They are literally like sand paper when we are finished.  I am slathering on lotion like a Canadian (that one is for Deb...LOL).  I just hate the constricting feel of the gloves.  But maybe worth the effort as we move along in this process.  

I think I am also having an allergic reaction to the dust possibly.  Broke out in a bad rash every time we work on this.  I have tried to close off the doors as much as possible but the fine powder has invaded nearly every room in the house and its just so out of control that I am not at all certain I can tolerate it for the length of this project.  It is like living in a construction zone.  

My hope is that next week we can grout the great room and lay the final cut tiles to the great room and then when its all set move the furniture back in and that will hopefully open up space for us to work again.  We were literally backed into a corner and I panicked and moved into the bedroom and realized I was getting mortar on the carpet in there.  So I rethought and moved into the kitchen to get out of Jym's way but I had to maneuver my work table and wash bucket etc into this small area where we were walking.  It is a mess right now.  But maybe once we get it all into the great room we will have little furniture in the other rooms to move thankfully.  And I am hoping to use the area we have finished as a place to pile up some of the other tiles.  So when that happens I will be able to seal and wash and pile tiles for the rest of the job.  And hopefully free up my garage somewhat from the crates.  But for now I am still relegated to the driveway for parking.

To Fail or Succeed

Day 3 – May 26 

We actually got up at a decent hour and I cooked breakfast.  We decided to try using music this time to put us in a better mood but then quickly realized that Bright House got rid of its music channels and my ipod doesn’t have the right adapter to fit on the speakers we had.  So while I searched for an adapter and then tore the case off my ipod Jym managed to just load itunes on my old desktop and crank the speakers up to full volume so we could hear it in the work area.  Although this means leaving the office door open and allowing dust in but I figured the rest of the house was covered in it so why not right?!

With our bellies fed and the music playing Jym trudged around “getting everything ready” to start mixing mortar.  I always feel like we have good intentions to start early but by the time we have an actual useable batch of mortar its noon…or later.  Not sure how we are so disorganized. 

My Facebook post of the morning involved a photo of our lousy 15 tiles and the rest of the empty floor with the caption…As J Lo says "tear up the floor, yeah we work on the floor...we never quit, we never rest on the floor..."  This sort of sums up our experience. 

I spent some time sweeping the floor again.  I swear I am always sweeping the floor.  And it seems like Jym takes a lot of breaks but I am never taking a break.  I am always on and always going. Always thinking about the next step. 

We actually sat and talked this morning and discussed both of our issues with failure.  Although uniquely ours individually we both struggle with failure and the thought of the possibility of it weighs us down to the point of inaction.  (possibly why we never have a batch of useable mortar til noon). A few days before beginning this project we talked briefly about our fears over this not going well and I said “We need to start focusing on the possibility of our success and not the inevitability of our failure.”  I meant that.  But words often aren’t enough to dig deeply enough into ones psyche and correct a long standing ill.  This morning in our discussion sitting cuddled side by side on the swivel chair, Jym mentioned that it isn’t like we are total failures in life.  Our experience has often been of success (or at least success enough to count as such) so why the constant fear of defeat?  I am certain this is something I need to explore at least within myself.

I am facing several possible failures in my life right now outside the bounds of this tile job...my recent promotion, my ongoing weight loss, among others and I am determined that regardless of my thoughts on the matter I am not allowing those thoughts to permeate the rest of my being to the point of inaction.  If I “fail” then I will do so with action and not with inaction.  Because inaction is always failure by default and it is the worst kind of failure because it is the one that you expended no effort on and the one path you are guaranteed a failure.  Going into this tile job I made a list of reasons to hire someone and reasons to do it ourselves and other than speed (which was negated by the lack of quality I was sure to receive if I hired someone) the only other reason was my lack of know how which equated to my fear of failure at trying something new and then also throw in a touch of laziness and need for immediate gratification and you have a poor recipe.  In that moment I knew that I had to try...that WE had to try (because Jym is inevitably always dragged along for all my failures LOL)...to make this work on our own.  Regardless of the outcome.  And this was my commitment, our commitment, to exactly that.  A commitment to ourselves to do better and be better and not fear the unknown.  Or fear it just enough to keep us level headed.   But I was doing it, we were doing it.  If I work hard on any of my current endeavors and through that I fail then I need to view that more as a learning experience and stepping stone than an actual failure.  But I suppose the only way to squash the fear is to just do it.  A few weeks ago upon pondering what we were facing with this project and the other things I am attempting in my life right now I wrote this…”When it comes to doing something you have never attempted before, you can listen to all the voices in your head. Either the ones that say you can or the ones that say you can't. But the truth is that the only way you will know for sure if you can do it is to actually just do it. It also helps to decide which of the voices you want to prove wrong.” I think that is something I need to remind myself of every single minute of the day.

Listening to music seemed to be just the cure for what ailed us.  As we proceeded with laying the tile we would reminisce and a few times we even danced!  I mentioned how I thought a particular song would be a great song to dance to and Jym got up off the floor and started to dance with me!  There was a lot of laughter today and also some frustration.  Toward the end of the second batch of mortar Jym was displeased with my desire to use up the mortar in the bucket rather than waste it because he was tired and I felt we could lay a few more tiles along the edge.  He agreed begrudgingly and headed toward my position with his pointed trowel and said, “Move before I stab you…accidentally”.  Then we both laughed. 

I think we have communication issues sometimes but we have been working through them kindly for the most part and its been good.  And when we do struggle it always becomes comedy.  Like today's exchange.  

Me: "Do you hear anything I am saying? Is it the sound of my voice??"

Jym: “It’s not your voice. It’s the words you are saying”

I swept the floor when Jym wasn't looking.  He doesn't want me walking on it yet but it was plenty dry and plenty covered in dust. 

We managed to get a LOT more tiles laid today and honestly we are doing really well with the mortar.  We easily did more than 2 dozen tiles this time with a batch.  So we are moving along easily.  

We were also better with the pattern. At first it was difficult.  It was easy working back but then trying to figure out how it fit side by side was more of a challenge.  But once we figured that all out and we got half the room done it seemed faster. It is a lot easier once you move both up and sideways so you can have a reference point.  

Doing it our Way

May 20, 2016...Day 2s efforts

I woke up early and decided to start sealing and washing the tiles because although it was on my to-do list from the previous evening I spent so much time making a life size pattern template.  The cardboard was so thick and my knife blade was so dull (ironically called a Box Cutter) Finally I upgraded to Jym's knife and was able to squeeze out all the pieces I needed but they are so rough and so my original idea to trace around each piece will not really work since its not really exact.  My tape job also sucked as I could not find any duct tape and used shoddy packing tape which quickly failed.  So my grand template idea will be more of a guide than anything. 

I am using a bottle of water in a basin with a microfiber cloth to wipe down all the tiles individually and then when they dry I seal them all by hand.  This will help with the grouting.  Travertine is super porous so if you don't pre-seal you will have more effort to get the grout off the tile.  It is more work to do each one first but it will be better than having to do it all afterward.  and we can always reseal later if we feel we need to.  

Honestly I have to say that standing there in the early light of the day alone in the silence with my tiny work table and one tile at a time was rather cathartic.  Until Jym woke up.  He "forgot" that HE suggested we get up and get started early and was now distressed that I was doing that.  I reminded him that it was his idea and also that I did not wake him or make him do anything.  So he went outside to enjoy his morning coffee and hopefully dial it down a notch.  We had a long day ahead.  

Hand washing the tiles to get the debris off of them was almost an act of reverence for me...like washing the feet of a king.  It is not lost on me that every single tile is a one-of-a-kind masterpiece created deep inside the earth.  There is no other tile exactly like the one in my hand. And occasionally the fantastic colors and patterns make an extraordinary piece of art.  As I pull them out of the crate you just never know what you will get.  I am becoming intimately acquainted with each tile and its unique coloring.  It reminded me why we chose Travertine.  There is no other look like natural stone

for its intense beauty.  It is unmatched.  The fake ceramic printed tiles can mimic patterns and colors but they will never match the true depth and one-of-a-kind feel of the real thing.  

Then after washing each tile I would seal it.  We are using a matte sealer.  I used an enhancer in my foyer for the slate we did and it darkens the tile drastically.  It also gives it a wet look.  I am not a fan of that.  Jym wanted to do the enhancer but I felt it would darken the tile beyond what we want. The tile is already darker than what I would have liked but the whiter tile was more pricey and with the travertine you just get whatever was quarried at that time so its all hit or miss.  I feel that the matte sealer still brings out the coloring and patterning on the tile but without darkening it.  It also gives it a more natural stone look and not the wet look.  

For me the downsides of travertine in a project like this are many when it comes to the work you put in vs the work on say a porcelain tile.  First of all Travertine is a natural stone so its cut is not exact.  It thickness is not exact.  With factory tile you get that all-the-same precision.  But for me that is where the beauty is.  For Jym that is NOT where the beauty is as he panics too much about it being exact and perfectly aligned and level.  It is so much more difficult to level and straighten and its a constant battle to keep the floor from going sideways due to the slightly off cuts.  

The coloring is also hit or miss.  Because the stones are usually crated as they are quarried you could get a few that look the same in coloring and then BAM its all different so when you lay a floor you need to make sure to sort out the pieces and mix and match them so you vary the color over the entire floor and don't end up with patches of dark etc.  

The stone is also porous so you have to be careful what touches it.  If you use a dark mortar the color can permeate the tile and darken your tile even though its underneath.  So we made sure to buy a white mortar to hopefully avoid that happening.  We are also only sealing the TOP of the tile since the sides and bottom need to adhere to the mortar and grout and if you seal them they won't stick right (issue I had in the foyer with my slate which I was unaware of until the grout started to crumble and not stick. 

Natural stone is also more easily breakable before its laid although we were pleasantly surprised at how FEW were broken in shipment.  If you think about it most of these stones are quarried in like Turkey so they make it out of the earth and all the way here and then to my house over numerous speed bumps.  LOL.  So bravo for the delivery being so good.   

We are also adding a PATTERN to the mix which is a complicated mess.  I don't know how pros do it.  We have to constantly look at the pattern and make sure we are laying the right tile.  At first I thought I would grid it out but here's the interesting thing...when you lay the mortar the lines are UNDERNEATH IT so although slightly helpful initially I do not think we will continue with this process. 

I thought today would go smoother since we have a big area all ready to go but it did not.  We attempted to do a chalk line and realized the chalk dispenser did not include CHALK.  So this time Jym went to Lowes.  I continued my washing and sealing which also involved uncrating the tiles and carrying them in from the garage and then stacking them in appropriate piles.  I made a big tarp area on the far side of the room where I am organizing the tiles by size (we have 4 sizes in the pattern) and by "wow" vs "meh".  The "wow" tiles go into areas more likely to be seen" and the "meh" tiles are for under the couch etc.  I also have an "omg" pile in the hallway which are for the fantastic stars of the show which will go in high traffic areas for me to appreciate every day.  Another downside when it comes to speed of install.  Also something I would not trust someone else to do for me, so another reason we are doing this on our own.  I am super picky. LOL

I think Jym was agitated before the day even began but it only got worse when we tried to grid out the chalk lines.  I think we did OK with the first 2 lines but then Jym suggested we start laying out tiles with spacers and work our way all the way to the back of the room then start mortar there.  I didn't love this idea and suggested just grid out more chalk lines from the original so we could start at least further back.  He did not agree.  I have issues with viewing YouTube videos and taking them as gospel.  Jym watched a lot of videos prior to this, many with conflicting views and instead of thinking for himself he often gets wrapped up in worry and fear that we will do something wrong.  For me I understand there are reasons why people say to do things a certain way.  I am also aware I don't really care about many of those reasons.  I think at one point we were arguing over the videos that say you have to find the exact middle of the room and start there.  NO.  First of all FINDING some "exact" middle for us is not realistic due to how the area is laid out.  Second of all I ignored this advice in the foyer (again we argued over the same thing) and we did just fine.  

I understand needing things to be "square" and if you don't find some square point then laying out tiles, for example, against a wall line might actually leave you with a slow steady off line due to the walls not REALLY being square.  So fine.  Once we measured and had our square lines why not just make more lines from those lines and then start wherever the hell I want to??  It is not realistic for us to start in the center.  I also don't care about "cuts" on one side vs the other.  I felt that if we laid out the pattern (the pattern is complicated so in my opinion you won't even know you started it in the center or not) so that the end tile in the pattern lined up with the wall we would be able to avoid cuts on that wall and "cut" the number of "cuts" down by HALF!  Plus the tiles we are using are all made to fit together so where you might need a 16x16 in the pattern you would need an 8x16 to fill the hole along the wall and Hey! I HAVE an 8x16 tile and no one knows I didn't cut the 16x16 to make it!  It works on so many levels.  He finally agreed to MY way.  (don't they always) and we laid another chalk line in line with the original but this time the width of the end tile plus the expansion gap and BAM we have alignment.  

We then laid out a series of tiles there (I picked up all the original tiles we laid down...ugh) and then after we had 15 laid out we flipped them and numbered them and then wrote the number on the floor and traced their outline.  It seemed genius at first and probably was to start but going forward it is WAY too much work to lay it all out ahead.  I think now that we have a base and more idea of how we are both working timing wise I think we can just grab and go.  

After we had the 15 starter tiles laid out and numbered Jym went to watch 27 more videos on mixing mortar.  He mentioned that he was scared to start this.  I could tell he was not in a good place all morning and was obviously procrastinating the start of the actual tile laying.  I told him that when he gets afraid to just hum the theme song to Laverne & Shirley in his head (Doin' it our way...).  He asked what a schlemiel is.  I told him its HIM.  LOL. 

He returned from his mortar assessment more agitated than when he left to read up on it and then insisted we had to mix the whole bag because there was no way to measure it out otherwise. He is a very all or nothing thinker when he gets in his bipolar swings let me tell you. No way to think through the problem sometimes.  Which is I guess why he has me to say "WRONG".  I told him to only do a third of the bag with a third of the water.  Well turns out their measurements suck and also you should probably put the mix in slowly and not all at once.  Jym was trying to do it alone and started to have a meltdown.  "No fighting, only love" went right out the window let me tell you.  He was screaming that he ruined everything.  OMG.  Its just mortar.  If its lumpy, add water.  If its too soupy add more mortar mix.  If you get it all over something wash it off.  I am pretty sure I said (or least THOUGHT) "Damn it! I will just do it my damn self" at some point.  I mean seriously.  And the hell with the measurements on the bag.  Not even reasonably close.  So I stood out there on the back deck with a pitcher of water and Jym mixed while I added water to the "ruined" batch which quickly became NOT ruined as we simply added water and stirred.  

Then we noticed that there was something falling from the drill into the bucket.  We had purchased a corded drill for this as our battery powered Makita was not the appropriate tool and we would have burned that up.  Jym was literally standing right next to our house mixing and he kept lifting the drill and so the mortar would splatter all over the house.  This is an example of how I CAN maintain my composure and not lose my mind as I said NOTHING.  Eventually I think he realized what was happening and stepped away from the wall a bit. We finally got the peanut butter consistency they talk about and now had to lay down the 15 tiles.  But not before he insisted he had ruined his new drill.  (He had not and realized later he had something in wrong and fixed it)

I am pretty sure we are using too much mortar as that half bag was almost all when we finished with the 15 tiles.  At that rate I think we will surely run out.  But in all truthfulness I worry about the tiles cracking.  Travertine is not a level tile and has many holes especially on its underside.  It is crucial to butter the back and fill in all those holes so that there are less pockets of air which can cause cracks.  So I was buttering and Jym was on the floor laying the mortar.  He also was putting in the spacers and leveling and so I was moving my end along faster.  That is why I am pretty sure that I can navigate the pattern and pull the necessary tiles while he does all of that going forward.  We will be a well oiled machine by next week.  

And so it Begins

And so it begins.  After weeks of planning and discussing and 4 trips to Lakeland to Floor & Décor we finally have the 600 square feet of Valencia Travertine and 12 bags of mortar delivered yesterday and in the garage for our venture into tiling the house.  This also means until this is all over I am parking in the driveway so my desire to hurry this process along is pretty high.  But in the past rushing has been my downfall so this time around I am battling the urge to “just get it done” and this time pause to do it right. 

Another thing I am battling with this project is the ability to live in complete upheaval for a long period of time.  I am considering this a growing opportunity to better myself. Today’s task was only to clear the great room of furniture and carpet and cut the baseboards.  More on all of that later but lets just say that the white sanded film it left all over the house was remarkable.  So I got a taste of what my next few months will be like and it caused a great deal of anxiety.

Removal of the carpet was way worse that I imagined.  I actually imagined most aspects of this daunting project as being pretty terrible but I was unaware at how many nails there were in carpet and how many large nails went that deep into the concrete!  It was shocking actually how difficult it was to remove.  I felt terrible for Jym who plowed through it with no complaining at all.  He was a real dynamo about it.  Although pretty early on when he accidentally leaned on one of the tack strips sending the nails into his hand and arm I thought for sure we had our first major injury. 

Halfway through that process we realized we needed a crowbar and work gloves which we thought we had and couldn’t find so I was off to Lowes again.  I showered and put on my penguin underwear which I feel is akin to underoos as a child.  When its going to be a rough day adulting its time for some penguin underwear.  Like a superpower if you will. So me and my penguin underwear were off for the first trip to Lowes. 

I really should not go to Lowes alone.  Or at all.  I go for 2 things and come back sporting 12 things and usually at least one of the things I went for originally is wrong.  I also spend 75% of my time distracted by aisles of things for future projects.  This time it was the replacement vertical blinds (come on that sort of has to do with this project in a way since they are broken and need repairs and since we are doing the floors…) I also found some great bamboo curtains that Jym wanted for his back patio.  Now all I need is a Lowes coupon…

I got home and the crowbar thing I found worked well to get the rest of the tack strip up but it was a LOT of hard work.  I had the AC at 70 and he was still sweating like crazy and really dirty.  Apparently that is a turn on.  He looked like a sexy pirate. LOL

Jym also excelled at the concrete patch.  We bought a bucket of it and you mix with water and trowel on.  We had a large crack in the floor from the back door down the center of the floor.  He also had to fill in all the nail holes from the tack strip and then actually repair the concrete subfloor by the glass door where the removal of 2 large strips back to back caused the concrete to be torn apart.  He then had to scrape the extra and sweep the floor.  There was a huge cloud of dust which I then realized was going all throughout the house.  I had managed to close off all the hallway doors in anticipation of the mess but I had not gotten to the master bath or bedroom door yet or guest bath area and everywhere I walked I was in white powder and dust. 

Cutting the baseboards went ok I think.  It came at the suggestion of a woman at Lowes.  We have large baseboards and last time we tried to remove them it was a disaster so this way we use this nifty tool to cut the baseboard and then we can have room for the tile to expand and if we ever need to remove the baseboard we can because there is none of it below the level of the mortar.  It also keeps us from removing it and replacing it which is a whole other project I don’t need.  You just lay a piece of tile by the baseboard and slide the saw down the tile to cut at the right level.  It does score into the drywall a bit but that will be packed with grout and you don’t see it anyway.  It also wasn’t perfect and we have some choppiness at parts but I know this entire project will not be without its issues.

I knew that the sound level was about to increase when we removed the carpet but I had no idea how much.  14 foot ceilings and nothing to deaden the sound is pretty startling. I stepped from the hallway and was taking to Jym and it was crazy how loud my voice was.  Just what Jym needed. LOL.  So I got him ear plugs from the drawer.  He put them in and said “Hey I can’t hear you at all.  I should wear these more often!”  I replied “Its as if you already do…” Although he didn’t hear that. LOL

Jym created a motto on the day the tile was delivered…”No Fighting, Only Love” and we have been sticking to that so far!  Every time I seem agitated he just hugs me and reminds me. 

In all seriousness, this project is daunting to say the least.  We have both had our moments of doubt and fear over the last few weeks but now it is here and we are doing this one way or another.  All day in my head I was singing the theme to Laverne & Shirley …”Nothing’s gonna turn us back now, straight ahead and on the track now, we’re gonna make our dreams come true, doin’ it our way…There is nothing we won’t try, never heard the word impossible, this time there’s no stopping us…”  Now that song is in your head right?  Good luck getting it out…