To Fail or Succeed

Day 3 – May 26 

We actually got up at a decent hour and I cooked breakfast.  We decided to try using music this time to put us in a better mood but then quickly realized that Bright House got rid of its music channels and my ipod doesn’t have the right adapter to fit on the speakers we had.  So while I searched for an adapter and then tore the case off my ipod Jym managed to just load itunes on my old desktop and crank the speakers up to full volume so we could hear it in the work area.  Although this means leaving the office door open and allowing dust in but I figured the rest of the house was covered in it so why not right?!

With our bellies fed and the music playing Jym trudged around “getting everything ready” to start mixing mortar.  I always feel like we have good intentions to start early but by the time we have an actual useable batch of mortar its noon…or later.  Not sure how we are so disorganized. 

My Facebook post of the morning involved a photo of our lousy 15 tiles and the rest of the empty floor with the caption…As J Lo says "tear up the floor, yeah we work on the floor...we never quit, we never rest on the floor..."  This sort of sums up our experience. 

I spent some time sweeping the floor again.  I swear I am always sweeping the floor.  And it seems like Jym takes a lot of breaks but I am never taking a break.  I am always on and always going. Always thinking about the next step. 

We actually sat and talked this morning and discussed both of our issues with failure.  Although uniquely ours individually we both struggle with failure and the thought of the possibility of it weighs us down to the point of inaction.  (possibly why we never have a batch of useable mortar til noon). A few days before beginning this project we talked briefly about our fears over this not going well and I said “We need to start focusing on the possibility of our success and not the inevitability of our failure.”  I meant that.  But words often aren’t enough to dig deeply enough into ones psyche and correct a long standing ill.  This morning in our discussion sitting cuddled side by side on the swivel chair, Jym mentioned that it isn’t like we are total failures in life.  Our experience has often been of success (or at least success enough to count as such) so why the constant fear of defeat?  I am certain this is something I need to explore at least within myself.

I am facing several possible failures in my life right now outside the bounds of this tile job...my recent promotion, my ongoing weight loss, among others and I am determined that regardless of my thoughts on the matter I am not allowing those thoughts to permeate the rest of my being to the point of inaction.  If I “fail” then I will do so with action and not with inaction.  Because inaction is always failure by default and it is the worst kind of failure because it is the one that you expended no effort on and the one path you are guaranteed a failure.  Going into this tile job I made a list of reasons to hire someone and reasons to do it ourselves and other than speed (which was negated by the lack of quality I was sure to receive if I hired someone) the only other reason was my lack of know how which equated to my fear of failure at trying something new and then also throw in a touch of laziness and need for immediate gratification and you have a poor recipe.  In that moment I knew that I had to try...that WE had to try (because Jym is inevitably always dragged along for all my failures LOL)...to make this work on our own.  Regardless of the outcome.  And this was my commitment, our commitment, to exactly that.  A commitment to ourselves to do better and be better and not fear the unknown.  Or fear it just enough to keep us level headed.   But I was doing it, we were doing it.  If I work hard on any of my current endeavors and through that I fail then I need to view that more as a learning experience and stepping stone than an actual failure.  But I suppose the only way to squash the fear is to just do it.  A few weeks ago upon pondering what we were facing with this project and the other things I am attempting in my life right now I wrote this…”When it comes to doing something you have never attempted before, you can listen to all the voices in your head. Either the ones that say you can or the ones that say you can't. But the truth is that the only way you will know for sure if you can do it is to actually just do it. It also helps to decide which of the voices you want to prove wrong.” I think that is something I need to remind myself of every single minute of the day.

Listening to music seemed to be just the cure for what ailed us.  As we proceeded with laying the tile we would reminisce and a few times we even danced!  I mentioned how I thought a particular song would be a great song to dance to and Jym got up off the floor and started to dance with me!  There was a lot of laughter today and also some frustration.  Toward the end of the second batch of mortar Jym was displeased with my desire to use up the mortar in the bucket rather than waste it because he was tired and I felt we could lay a few more tiles along the edge.  He agreed begrudgingly and headed toward my position with his pointed trowel and said, “Move before I stab you…accidentally”.  Then we both laughed. 

I think we have communication issues sometimes but we have been working through them kindly for the most part and its been good.  And when we do struggle it always becomes comedy.  Like today's exchange.  

Me: "Do you hear anything I am saying? Is it the sound of my voice??"

Jym: “It’s not your voice. It’s the words you are saying”

I swept the floor when Jym wasn't looking.  He doesn't want me walking on it yet but it was plenty dry and plenty covered in dust. 

We managed to get a LOT more tiles laid today and honestly we are doing really well with the mortar.  We easily did more than 2 dozen tiles this time with a batch.  So we are moving along easily.  

We were also better with the pattern. At first it was difficult.  It was easy working back but then trying to figure out how it fit side by side was more of a challenge.  But once we figured that all out and we got half the room done it seemed faster. It is a lot easier once you move both up and sideways so you can have a reference point.