A Perfect Imperfection

Day 4 - May 27 

"That's nature! Nature is supposed to be imperfect!" That was Jym repeating what I have been telling him as he tried unsuccessfully to perfectly level one tile to the other.   This has been an ongoing discussion for us over the last few weeks and came to a head earlier in the week when I thought for sure Jym was about to tear up all 15 of the tiles we originally laid.  He insisted they were not aligned right.  I thought they looked fine but he was insistant that they were not to the point of absolute insistency.  I really feared leaving him alone with the floor to contemplate his perceived errors.  I sat him down and explained that these tiles are natural stone and that they are not perfect.  But that is what makes them beautiful.  I did not want a factory stone.  I knew that the cuts would be rough and the edges would be cracked and ratty.  I knew that there would be areas where we would have to fill in more grout to make up the difference.  I knew that these stones would not fit perfectly side by side.  That is the beauty of it.  As I was sitting there giving him this pep talk I started to contemplate my life and had a huge epiphany. 

My entire life I have sought out perfection.  Anything less has always been unacceptable in my eyes.  I would nit pick every possible failing in any and every otherwise acceptable instance. I think our society demands perfection.  It is evident in how we strive for perfect bodies and perfect homes.  It is why plastic surgery is at an all time high and why people "keep up with the Jones'" Its this need for everything to appear perfect. When in fact nothing in nature has ever been intended to be perfect. But it is because of the perceived goal of perfection people are willing to do anything to attain it or shall I say society's view of what defines perfection.  It is that mentality that created "fake" travertine and slate.  It is the printed factory perfect pieces that we create to strip away the pesky imperfections of natural stone but to attempt the "look" of it.  But ironically in our pursuit of that perfection we realize that we are actually finding beauty in the imperfect which is why we are seeking to recreate it, but at the same time pushing our constant drive to improve upon what we deem as imperfect.  

As far as my life is concerned I have allowed my need for perfection to haze everything that is good in my life behind a vale. A rigid need for perfection creates a perception of failure when in fact it might not be failure at all.  It is, in a round about way why we are fearing the failure of this project.  Because we might create something that is imperfect and we will be responsible somehow for that.  

But looking at these individual tiles the way I have had to over the last few weeks I see an absolute beauty, a perfect imperfection in every one of them.  Some are fat and some are thin.  Some are dark and some light.  Some are cut with a slightly crooked edge, ironically by a man made tool attempting to form its natural state into the confines of our man made shapes.  But each tile is unique.  There is no other like it on all of the earth.  Each one created from a unique set of pressures and exposures to mold it inside and out.  Nature does not require perfection.  It does even hope for it.  It hopes and strives instead for individuality and uniqueness in all it creates.  And we, as human beings, somewhere underneath all that society preaches, are in a constant struggle against what is natural for us and what is and should ACTUALLY be the standard of real beauty.  It is why we secretly feel warmth and comfort when we look at stone.  It is of the earth and of all of us and it is, in its rawest form, what we should all strive toward.  To be nothing but what we were created for.  To inspire and leave speechless anyone who dares gaze upon us. To be strong and enduring, but at the same time to be malleable enough to be molded and shaped by the forces around us.  To allow ourselves to never fit perfectly into a hole created for us by society, but to stand out as unique pieces of art even side by side with another unique piece of art.  To allow our darkness to enhance and trace a fine accentuating glow about our lightness.  To bring hardness and softness to the world simultaneously. 

When I look at my floor I want to always be reminded that I am a human stone and my imperfection is every bit all of the perfection I should ever strive for.   

Oh sorry.  I am sure you expected a progress report.  Personally my individual growth is actually quite a lot of progress right now so I felt I should share that as well.  But as far as the floor itself we managed to get done the rest of the great room minus the cut pieces as we still do not have a saw.  We considered going to get one but were too exhausted and it was too late by the time we got cleaned up. So that will be Jym's job next week.

We have used I think almost 3 bags of mortar and completed close to 200 square feet so we are well on track I think with our mortar use.  We are still getting batches that are too thin and we always have to add mortar and remix.  I think we now know how it should feel.  At least I hope so.  I suppose we will know how we are doing once it all dries.   

Our clothing is a mess as are our hands and bodies.  This is not easy work.  It is back breaking hard labor.  I do not know how people do this professionally every day.  I think I should be wearing gloves maybe to save my hands a bit.  They are literally like sand paper when we are finished.  I am slathering on lotion like a Canadian (that one is for Deb...LOL).  I just hate the constricting feel of the gloves.  But maybe worth the effort as we move along in this process.  

I think I am also having an allergic reaction to the dust possibly.  Broke out in a bad rash every time we work on this.  I have tried to close off the doors as much as possible but the fine powder has invaded nearly every room in the house and its just so out of control that I am not at all certain I can tolerate it for the length of this project.  It is like living in a construction zone.  

My hope is that next week we can grout the great room and lay the final cut tiles to the great room and then when its all set move the furniture back in and that will hopefully open up space for us to work again.  We were literally backed into a corner and I panicked and moved into the bedroom and realized I was getting mortar on the carpet in there.  So I rethought and moved into the kitchen to get out of Jym's way but I had to maneuver my work table and wash bucket etc into this small area where we were walking.  It is a mess right now.  But maybe once we get it all into the great room we will have little furniture in the other rooms to move thankfully.  And I am hoping to use the area we have finished as a place to pile up some of the other tiles.  So when that happens I will be able to seal and wash and pile tiles for the rest of the job.  And hopefully free up my garage somewhat from the crates.  But for now I am still relegated to the driveway for parking.